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A Couple Of Open Questions - Your Cheating Heart
Stories of Infidelity From The Heartland And Elsewhere
jeffjustin
cheaterguide
jeffjustin
A Couple Of Open Questions
This is just a very short story and a couple of questions.

I'm seeing four women right now. I don't make any secret about the fact that I'm seeing them. I tell each of them that I see other women, I put that out up front so there are no surprises, no hurt feelings, no screaming infidelity arguments to deal with. Of course I don't share the gory details about the others with any of them, because I don't think that's right. But if one of them asks, I tell her enough to answer her questions, though I try to do that in a way that I hope won't be hurtful. I know that two of them see other men. One I know doesn't see anyone but me. The fourth I'm not sure about. The one who's not seeing anyone else would like to have me to herself, but she tolerates my ways.

These are all active relationships - I see each of them at least once a week, and sometimes more. All four of these relationships are active sexual relationships. I do my very best to be 100% committed to whomever I'm with and to let her know that she's all that's on my mind. I don't compare them to each other because they're all very different people and I love them for who they are and it wouldn't be fair to compare them.

I'm relatively content with the way things are right now. Some of my friends think I'm crazy. They say I should know better since I've been through the wringer with I've been through in the past. They try to encourage me to choose one and stick with her. They don't seem to grasp that this is a mutual choice among all parties involved. They don't understand that I don't want to choose between them. They don't understand that I love them all.

I know that technically, since they all know that there are others this isn't cheating, but some people tell me that they think it is - I guess more properly, they think it's infidelity.

Poll #321146 What Do You Think?

Is what I'm doing cheating?

Yes
6(22.2%)
No
21(77.8%)

Do you think I'm being unfaithful to anyone?

Yes
5(18.5%)
No
22(81.5%)

You Feel: energetic
You're Listening To: *** 105. vigilantes of love - resplendant

6 Cheater's Stories SO What's Your Story?
Comments
nemesisbecoming From: nemesisbecoming Date: July 30th, 2004 09:39 pm (UTC) (Link)

Commenting on the 'why?' question...

You can only be unfaithful if you had broken a promise of fidelity. If all the parties involves know of your non-committed, non-monogomous relationships, then you are not making thus breaking any promises.
Fine line here: are you cheating? In a way, yes. But it's how you define cheating which in this case I will go and take liberties and play with the concept of cheating purely for the sake of arguement.
I have been following a few of your LJ posts and in my experience of being a woman - although I do not think that certain feelings as a whole are merely gender specific - there is a feeling of something or some feeling being 'cheated'. I have explored in one of my stories the aspect of the slight duplicity in women in which one thing is wanted but something else must be sacrificed in our minds to achieve it. Much like the cat caught in conflicted feelings so perfectly physically expressed when their hind legs run forward while their front paws are in brake, the cat is torn as to the direction.
Let's reference the one partner you have who has told you she is seeing none other.
In her mind, she is symbolically letting you know and she is yours and by her doing so she wants the same in return. By her keeping herself exclusive only to you, she is saying in way that speaks to the biological and primal/sexual part of the man: that her body is yours. When she's going down on you, you can watch her knowing that yours. Your being unable to give her the same is perhaps cheating the relationship that could be shared there or at least the one she wants to have with you. So there indeed is a fine line here. Yes, you are letting them know, but women have a way of saying one thing and doing another to please the man to keep him.
And this is verbatim from my story where I explored this:
During the rolling silence, he contemplates whether it is a woman’s plight for her happiness to be determined by the whims and wants of the man whom she loved. To hold one hand in front of her face unable to bear the pain. To hold him closer with her other hand unable to bear the loss."
jeffjustin From: jeffjustin Date: July 31st, 2004 11:18 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Commenting on the 'why?' question...

I suspect that C. (the woman who's told me that I'm her one and only) feels cheated by my choices. I don't think she would say that I cheat on her, but I think she'd say that she feels cheated. She doesn't talk about this topic very freely, which is unusual for her - she's usually quite emotionally accessible. That leads me to believe that she's got some stronger reactions than she wants me to see. I sense that she tolerates my lifestyle only because she's really very busy and stressed by her life - she works full-time and attends school full-time and therefore can't devote much time to me. I think that if we're still seeing each other when she gets done with school, she's going to want more of me, and her demands on me will change. I've told her before that it's alright with me that she see other guys, but I can't make her do what she doesn't want to do.

I think you're right that women speak a different emotional language than men do, and that women often have different relationship needs driven by different relationship values. Having been duplicitous myself, and having been treated in a duplicitous manner by many partners, I don't think that women have a lock on duplicity, however. I would agree that women have their own set of little lies they tell their men, however. My favourite? "Ooh, you're so big." I know I'm on the bigger side of average, but c'mon ladies, I'm not so big that it warrants comment. Just tell me what I'm doing or need to do to make you feel good and save the flattery - it isn't my ego that needs stroking after all.

Myself, I've just gotten to the point that I don't want to have to tell those sweet little lies men and women tell each other to get and keep each other. Let's just be straight up with each other and not have to worry about those deceptions. We can still be romantic and passionate without having to lie to each other or to ourselves. Not that I'm perfect at it, nor that I expect any of my partners to be perfect, but it's an ideal that we strive for.

Since I originally wrote this entry, I've had another woman join the party, and one of the others has told me that she sees me exclusively. The stakes have a habit of going up all the time, don't they?

That's OK, regardless of what happens, I'll still be happy with myself, and, at the end of the day, that's what counts.

PS - an ironic twist that typifies the convoluted and complicated nature of my relationships - while I've been writing this, I've been talking with my ex-wife who I speak to only 2-3 times a year and who I definitely did cheat on.

It's an odd coincidence that she should call while I composing a reply about cheating.
nemesisbecoming From: nemesisbecoming Date: July 31st, 2004 02:01 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Commenting on the 'why?' question...

I would agree that women have their own set of little lies they tell their men, however. My favourite? "Ooh, you're so big."
LOL just chalk that one up there with "No, Baby, you're not fat." it's just the little dance we genders share.

I know I'm on the bigger side of average, but c'mon ladies, I'm not so big that it warrants comment.
Well, granted you don't need the unncesaary ego boost, but just like there are certain things about women you notice and remember, penis size is ours. We can quite easily recount our experiences with the side note of either small, average or large. Maybe we can't quite recall with a couple of them - if so, he wasn't large. That's that. Side note, there is now a video music director seen frequently on TV. I watch him next to my BF recalling when I rolled around with him a couple of times when he was just a Production Assistant. And although I never want BF to know of that relationship, I feel no loss when I see the new lifestyle the Director is now living. All I keep thinking is "small dick". AHEM

We can still be romantic and passionate without having to lie to each other or to ourselves.
A relationship that would be a joy to achieve, bottom line.

It's an odd coincidence that she should call while I composing a reply about cheating.
*stares at the screen with wide eyes. Errie music plays in the back of her head. She whispers loudly to the screen 'Her ears are BURNIN!' then loudly snaps her laptop shut, freaked out at the coincidence as well*
jeffjustin From: jeffjustin Date: July 31st, 2004 04:33 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Commenting on the 'why?' question...

I can understand the idea of a man's size serving as a categorizer, a means of sorting us guys out in your minds. I've not-so-jokingly said that I might not remember every woman's name, or even her face, but I probably do remember her pussy. Interestingly, the self-same ex that called earlier used to talk about other guys she'd been with when we were lying in bed and tell me whether they were bigger or smaller than me depending on whether she wanted to boost my ego or get under my skin. I would act appropriately pleased or dismayed, but I never let on that her game meant nothing to me - I never went in for that comparison thing. Even more interestingly, after we divorced, she was back in my bed several dozen times, rather than those bigger guys she'd talked about, because I knew what she liked and she knew it.

BTW her call was predictably about money - it's the only time I ever hear from her - when she wants money. She cost me nearly everything I owned back then and she thinks she can squeeze me for some more. I laugh in her general direction.
nemesisbecoming From: nemesisbecoming Date: July 31st, 2004 04:38 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Commenting on the 'why?' question...

Interestingly, the self-same ex that called earlier used to talk about other guys she'd been with when we were lying in bed and tell me whether they were bigger or smaller than me depending on whether she wanted to boost my ego or get under my skin.
LOLOLOL *laughing heartily*
That's just nuts... (eep, no pun intended)
jeffjustin From: jeffjustin Date: August 1st, 2004 08:09 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Commenting on the 'why?' question...

You'd have to meet her to appreciate it fully - she is truly a work of art. I'm afraid she got a little crazed after our daughter was born and just never got right again. The good news is that she's so long ago and so 3000 miles away.
6 Cheater's Stories SO What's Your Story?